Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in jahgolec's LiveJournal:

Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
10:05 pm	Missing Z like mad. Actually, I miss St. Lucia like mad! The adventure there is much different over all than the adventure here due to many circumstances. I am challenged here as well, but I have less free time and less access to nature due to seasons and development, despite the fact I have a car which i think is the funniest thing of all. I really miss not having the responsibility of so many bills, I love things simpler although I can appreciate what life in the USA has to offer as well. It is so weird how you can feel completely torn down the middle in relation to two different places and essentially, two different lives. I could never raise my children away from ymy wonderful family when I have them, but I very much want them to be around and influenced by Z's family. it is going to be tough, that's for sure. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 4th, 2004
9:49 am	Sometimes I forget how lucky I am! What i mean is, especially at home, I somehow forget to remember how lucky I am. Does that make any sense to you? In general, in relation to myself, I have few stressors. Why? When so many other people are ridden w/ stress as if their problems alone made them who they were. Think about it, when someone mentions someone's name in conversation or otherwise, if you know them, something about them that made an impression on you at some point comes to mind instinctually! Doing what i do, social work, everyday I come in contact w/ people who fit my recent description. The definition of dishearteneing to me! By looking at me, or even interacting w/ me, you most likely wouldn't catch a hint of the vagueness harsh feeling, stress or unhappiness. Do you really believe it is because I don't have problems? Am I human? Why? Again? I believe this: God has blessed me w/ a certain way of thinking, the extrme respect for diversity and all that comes w/ it, an unbelieveable ability to center myself, so good i don't even have to try, seriously! And, a divine love for humanity and our world's envirionment, which i am tahnkful for. these are the things that are just part of me, from the day I was born, not even thinking about it! Everyone has those things, their things. They come so much more naturally to some people, for some reason. Others have to search, and others still just stumble across them. Some call it a calling, others just personality traits. I call it my being! What do you call it? (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 18th, 2004
5:38 pm	so.............I have had a friend from home visiting for almost a week now and I am having a blast. fist off it is a mini-vacation, but secondly I am exploring parts of the island i haven't seen and probably wouldn't otherwise. It takes someone with the will and desire to want to see what's out there instaed of take it for granted. it is refreshing! plus, it is so nice to talk to a friend about the simplest of interections and the cultural observations, there is so much to dicuss and a new appriciation for my counrty is always inevitable. i think everyone if ever given the opportunity should try to live in another country b/c they wil really think twice before talking shit. i am not talking about our jack ass president or our corrupt gov't or even the fact the we think we can do whatever we want b/c we are the world's superpower, b/c I myself can't argue in our favor sometimes. But........our opportunity, diversity, rights, protection by the law, medical services etc. we have so many people suing doctors for minor mistakes when women here lose their babies every day b/c they drown in the womb. would you ever have thought that this day in age that would be an issue, well it is everywhere and we don't consider that! aren't doctors allowed to make some mistakes? do you know anyone else that is in a career that never makes a mistake? so we are supposed to go against the people that not only devote their lives to saving us, but studied for years to do so? what the hell is this world coming to? if you could only see the way the school, gov't and law enforcement is run. these people cannot feel safe! it can get overwhelming at times. I guess that is why it is a "developing" country. god help us everywhere! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
3:03 pm	visitor So, for the 1st time since coming to ST. Lucia I have a friend visiting me. He arrives Friday night and I am sooooo looking forward to it! I mean I finally get to discuss Carribean life w/ a friend no holds barred. I am sure he will have tons of questions and comment on all of his observations that will lead to some great conversation. Sure, I have the other PCV's who are all American, but it is different when it is someone you know and are comfortable with. Not to mention he is a hard core hiker and that is my favorite thing to do! I have tons of advebture planned, snorkeling, waterfalls, street parties, you name it. He is even teaching a survival skills class at my school, which is really cool. I feel like I have so much to look forward to, I know that he is overwhelmed just thinking about it. I am sure it is going to be an awsome experience, I will let you know what happens! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
3:19 pm	we have to use eachother! so, I have been thinking that over the last couple of weeks I have been feinding over what I should and could do w/ my free time while doing nothing about it! why? don't really know? doesn't sound like me huh? you know, mopey and really jut unmotivated. god, it sucked! anyways, all i could think about this whole time essentially was how easy it was to take control of and still chose not to do it! I didn't even make excuses, I just accepted I sucked at that point! why? again, I don't tknow, that has never happened to me before, to that extent. It takes a lot to bring me down! anyways, last night I continually dreamed about playing volleyball at the beach w/ friends and swimming etc. I attempted to organize a game for after work, but only one friend out of 6 showed up. fellow PCV that lives up the road from me (kinda) anyways, we hit the ball around and swam and talked a lot about all kinds of shit, it was cool and refreshing, and i really appriciated it. At home i have my friends at my fingertips, I have a car, there are what now seem like no limits, I reallly took that for granted! wow! I am so lonely sometimes, being the "social butterfly that i am" it is really depressing but it is in my hands, as everything is and I just need to take control. i need to make the extra effort to connect w/ those accessible and use them as support! they probably could use it equally! anyways, I think I will lift myself out of this and accept control. be creative and motivated for my happiness and healthiness. that sucked! that whole experience! I couldn't imagine falling in for any significant amount of time, I would go crazy! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 26th, 2004
3:01 pm	wudduyah know! I am at school (work) it is the end of the day and I am looking forward to going to town to do some grocery shopping and meet a friend. This coming weekend all of the PCV's are gonna volunteer their time to paint a school in collaboration w/ Sandals. I think it should be a good time or at least we can make the most of all of us being together at the same place at the same time! The weird thing is that of the new group of volunteers there is someone from my home town, not only that, but he was assigned to ST. Lucia in a village just up the road from me, what are the chances? His name is Ben Quinn and his father is a Brain Surgeon. the reason I say that is beacuse I think it is so wonderful that a kid that was given everything his little heart desires still wanted to donate 2 years of his life to give back to those less fortunate, some character huh! his parents definately did something right and I am proud to have him here! I think you would be suprised the # of volunteers that I serve w/ who come from waelthy backgrounds, I know I was! Ofcourse each one is an individual, so it is hard to generalize, but these people I truley respect b/c they either were looking for change and realization in their own lives, which they deserve a lot of credit for, or, they are simply kind-hearted good people. To relize this brings me happiness and hope for the future in ways I hadn't thought of before! (Comment on this)
Monday, February 23rd, 2004
7:07 am	counselling session jgolec@hotmail.com says: I need a favor jgolec@hotmail.com says: some advice april says: okay april says: sure jgolec@hotmail.com says: I am gonna send you an e-mail *** wrote me and the one I am sending him back and could you read them and tell me what you think april says: okay jgolec@hotmail.com says: because I am really caught between a rock in a hard place jgolec@hotmail.com says: hold on april says: really jgolec@hotmail.com says: shit, I lost my draft to him jgolec@hotmail.com says: but it said how I can't plan my life around our relationship b/c we don't know what the future holds and I have to go back to school, out of state and I am trying to live for the day not next year, and my relationship here isn't about physical intimacy it is about experiencing the culture and all the things i wouldn't have otherwise and also that it isn't a forever thing, that he just needs to.. jgolec@hotmail.com says: have some faith in me and my decisions and that everything happens for a reason jgolec@hotmail.com says: I also reassured him that I do love him and think of him often and want to see what the future holds for us but I don't let that dictate my life b/c it isn't realistic, also that I want him to be ablt to put himself 1st at all times april says: well what i think.. april says: is april says: from what i know of *** april says: is that you should let him go... april says: because april says: he will hang on to you april says: for dear life april says: and use is feelings for you april says: as a distraction april says: to dealing with his own problems april says: or a saftey net april says: kind of thing april says: kind of like april says: what i do april says: if you give him reasons to believe april says: the two of you can be together april says: when you are not sure april says: i dont think that would be good for him april says: he is an emotionally dependent person april says: and you dont want someone who is april says: because there is so much you want to do april says: you are living for yopurself these days april says: and thats okay jgolec@hotmail.com says: your right jgolec@hotmail.com says: so you think I should just tell him to forget about it until further notice? april says: yeah but leave out the further notice part april says: he'll hang on to it jgolec@hotmail.com says: it is so hard for me when I know I have never met anyone that I have that connection w/ april says: he needs to like i do, learn to be alone and self reliant anyhow april says: you will jgolec@hotmail.com says: I have so much invested april says: and maybe some day april says: but you can't use him as a saftey net in the case that you dont jgolec@hotmail.com says: yeah april says: trust me jgolec@hotmail.com says: it is really hard to break someones heart knowingly april says: yup, but you may just break it more april says: if you are not honest april says: with yourself april says: that you really dont know what you are doing april says: and i dont think he is strong enoughh to handle the reality right now april says: i think that would hurt him more april says: than starting new jgolec@hotmail.com says: in the long run you mean? april says: and getting over april says: yup april says: just realize this april says: that he does the same thing with you april says: that i do with relationships april says: distract and project april says: im not saying he doesnt love you april says: but i dont think its healthy april says: and i think like me, april says: again he needs to learn to be come self reliant april says: or the two of you would never have the relationship you want anyhow april says: and he won't learn that jgolec@hotmail.com says: if he doesn't become emotionally independant, right? april says: if he thinks you are just on a vacation april says: coming back to be with him april says: yes april says: exactly april says: so dont give him anything to hang onto april says: see what happens april says: see what hes like when you get back jgolec@hotmail.com says: test the waters april says: see if he can put himself together april says: all by himself april says: because that is the type of person april says: you want need and respect jgolec@hotmail.com says: very true jgolec@hotmail.com says: aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 21st, 2004
4:02 pm	If only................ so i was hiking today, as usual on a saturday, w/ a couple fo good friends and we were realizing some things. for example: the worst of our peace corps experience is living w/ out running water sometimes, having to take publis transport everywhere, no getting the food we're used to, and most importantly, the realization that the culture here and their ways does not promote opportunity for it's youth or it's environment! so we came to this bridge/dam in the middle of no where, and their were about 20 children (boys) aged from about 7-15 swimming and playing! you should have seen their faces when 3 white people came out of the bush to join them! they didn't know what to do or say at first! most of them were naked and a few screamed! we proceeded to take off our outer wear and jump in. they immediately started ferociously splashing us thinking they would cause us to get at the very least annoyed and probably scare us off! we, in turn immediately started splashing back and screaming at them "come and get it" the uproar of laughter could have been heard from a mile away it seemed! it was so fun and so real! after the water war, we ate some luch and gave the kids some bologna to use for bait to catch crayfish, it worked a lot better than the coconut they were using and they were amazed! we took pictures and showed them our digital cameras, once again pure amazement! after about an hour of fooling around it was time for us to continue our journey, so we packed up as they watched, looking disappointed. we made sure they promised not to throw their garbage in the river or on the ground, said our goodbyes and started to leave. one little boy asked if we could come back tomarrow, which obviously we couldn't, but we did say we would come again on a saturday as they said they were always there! about 20 steps away from the bridge a little boy ran up to us and said I have a secret to tell you, so we lowered our ears and listened. he said "my friends want me to tell you they love you and i love you too!" it was all i could do to hold back the tears, kids here don't even say that to their parents, which proves the significance of my point! as we were hiking away, we realized we got jipped! what I mean is that we live villages that are densely populated, for here, and have most everything we need to survive at our finger tips. we decided we wanted to live out there, in the middle of no where, where we need to find our food and cook on a fire and wash our clothes in the river etc. etc. there we would have the opportunity to interact w/ people who think white people can't live outside the city and w/ out air-conditioning! it would allow us to have a real life, hard core, peace corps experience. to live like the poor and help those who need us most! even though we know it isn't possible here b/c the PC wouldn't let us, we can dream. and trust me, we will be spending as much time as possible exploring this island and interacting w/ those people whom it will make the most significant impressions on, thus fulfilling the peace corps #1 goal. it was truley a wonderful experience! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 17th, 2004
1:45 pm	3 wishes If I had 3 wishes, they would be 1) to be able to fly, just like a bird, walk out of my house and take flight to wherever my little heart desired! 2) to breathe under water and 3) every time i reached into my pocket I would pull out whatever bill I was thinking of at that time. why? that's easy, i could give to anyone and everyone I saw fit, buy rain forest and other plots of land all over the world and turn them into reserves, give $$ to John Kerry as he is the best bet for beating Bush, give to charity, reform the education system in St. Lucia, start and environmental conservation program in St. Lucia, build a suitable mental hospital and hire staff in St. Lucia, the list goes on. I guess I shouldn't limit it to St. Lucia, I will go as far as to say for the whole Caribbean as it is such a wondrous place and needs so much in order for it to grow and thrive into something it's people and the world would be proud of! EDUCATION is they key and the government here is worth nothing! I just wish i could give these people the opportunity for success! I know once I have the opportunity to visit other countries and assess their needs, I will add to the list, but for now i can only comment on what I know! With that $$ I would be able to travel the world and do much the same in those places, that is why #3 is what it is! As for the 1st 2, there would be no where I couldn't explore, and thus my life would be fulfilled! (Comment on this)
Friday, February 13th, 2004
2:48 pm	life and love Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. I am dancing on the fine line that seperates my life here and my life home. I am in a relationship w/ a man that treats me like a queen, always puts my needs first and truley loves me, yet I constantly think about the love I left! I know why, it is b/c of the copnnection we had, always on the smae page when it came to our thought processes. Whne things were good, they were great, and when they were bad, they were awful. I have come to realize that this is the way it is when you are truley invested in something! Despite the "good" relationship I have now, I don't nearly have that connection w/ him. Granted he is from a diffferent culture and we think so differently about so many things that it is virtually impossible to connect like I have w/ a specific person in the past! Regardless, I have learned to appreciate my own culture and where I come from more than anything! I am so thankful for my current relationship and the truley significant part of this experience he has been, and someday I will find a way to repay him for that, but I know in my heart that "we" won't be a forever thing, and that I will eventually venture home and seek the company of that person I left behind. Even if we don't last forever, we will always compute and we will always be friends. The wonderful thing is, what brought us to this point is being apart! Who knew? Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
1:24 pm	babble I am feeling anxious! why? because there simply isn't enough to do sometimes! at times I wish i could have a scedule so jammed packed w/ things i need to accomplish for the day that by the first time i look at the clock, the day is coming to an end! being in a country where you literally need someone w/ you wherever you go for safety purposes, it really drives you crazy when you get the urge to up and do something, even go for a walk and you know it isn't a good decision for safety reasons. sure, I can go to town and run errands amoung other things, but when it comes to the things I like to do, hiking and exploring, I need to have a local w/ me so I don't get mugged or raped or god knows what! The weekends are wonderful, continuos exploratuion w/ friends, good times! but.........very day when I get out of work I go home and look around my house, I can read, do crafts, color, watch t.v. or sleep. I want something physical, and a bit strenuous! sure, I could do sit-ups and exercise at my house, but I am on a fricken island for christs sake and I want to see more! granted, most of the Lucian's I know say that I know more of the island than most people that have lived here their whole lives, just from my weekend exploring! I guess I should just shut my mouth and be thankful for what I have, isn't that always what it come back to? amen! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 9th, 2004
10:32 am	?????? There is never an instant's truce between virtue and vice. Goodness is the only investment that never fails. I have been in closer touch recently w/ some of my friends and family from home, and it is doing 2 things to me. first, I feel better about being in touch and I feel like I am having the chance to be a part of their lives much the same I was before I left, this makes me happy. secondly, I feel more distant than ever, I am not there and I can't be as effective and motivational from a little island in the middle of the caribbean! lastly, I am missing out on the lives of not 1, not 2 but 5 new babies I haven't had the chance to meet yet! that really tears me up sometimes, my best friends in the world, my 1st cousin, and 2 other close friends all decided they were going to have kids after I left. you should see my refrigerator, there are tons of pictures of these children, who I look at 10 times a day at least. each time I wonder what new things they've accomplished, how they look and are growing. the reactions of their proud parents each time they do something new! I am really proud of the work I am doing here in the Caribbean, I know I am valued and I bring a lot to the table! however, I often find myself weighing the fact of who needs me more, where are my priorities? I currently feel like I am doing the right thing, but that is this instant, who knows how I will feel five minutes from now! Current Mood: contemplative (1 Comment |Comment on this)